One is not a terrorist nor abused

One is not abused that apparently, the Boys in Blue, London police have banned a radical Muslim group from holding a protest outside the church where Prince Willy will marry that slut, Kate Simpleton next week.

One denies all knowledge of the protest taking place and the arms shipment that one paid for on EBay. There was clearly an error in the transaction since one had ordered fireworks and not a box of gift-wrapped Semtex and an egg timer.

One is not responsible for the AK47s either.

One is both abused and not abused

One is abused whole-heartedly, from the tip of one’s tiara to Prada shoes at Fergie’s acceptance that she would “jump in front of train for Andrew,” or whatever. Better late than never. Though why she would leave it for so long is another matter. The money train awaits, one adds, given her unfortunate debts.

One is not abused categorically however, on this outrageous accusation that Andrew has had dealings with a billionaire child abuser. Does that refer to one’s holdings of factories that employ the fruit of youthful exuberance, or perhaps, to third world employment per se? One believes that the issue has not been made publicly clear. If it were, then any billionaire in one’s royal circle would be pardoned, naturally, on the grounds of God and Country. 

Again we are dragged into the gutter press. One is not abused, and the press should be rightly informed so, of one’s stance.

Let Fergie eat cake while her credit line remains.

One is not sartorially abused...

One is not abused with the downfall of Galliano. Kate Simpleton had high hopes of a wedding dress on the lines of what you see, albeit in virginal white, irony the king (and she’s no queen). Now of course one’s plans are in tatters, and the poor girl is absolutely distraught and inconsolable.

Galliano’s vision was truly visionary. The less one sees of the bride the better.

One is not abused...

One is not abused, having spotted the same woman again outside Harvey Nicks and this time in a limousine. Who does she think she is impersonating one? Is that eye-liner, foundation cream or a rubber mask she is wearing from a Halloween shop? And one refrains from commenting on the hair, if nylon counts.
 

Fortunately however, divine intervention intervened on one's behalf, as it is wont to do, and the woman got her comeuppance. One has never been more abused.

Next time though, she'd better just bog off!

One is absolutely not abused...

One is not abused about actress Joanna Lumley and her outrageous claim that British children are being brought up with "slack" morals. Who says so? The BBC report is of course from that Bunch of Bolshevik Commies, the dear old radicals, but still, it is hard to swallow.

Boli-Stoli does go down a hoot though.

The Absolutely Fabulous star Chlamydia, one, and not that pleb Joanna, pooh-poohs the ridiculous claim that the younger generation needs to be given "hearty pursuits" like building camps or working on farms. Send them all to Iraq, I say. March them to the battlefield Gatling guns and then we will see what they are made of – bloody well.

Morals, my royal backside! Money and zillions of it is what they really need, then our British rosy-cheeked cannon fodder-to-be, can do just what they please. I mean, did morals make Paris Hilton any less richer? So let them have their youthful fun, raping and pillaging with gay abandon.

The aristocracy cannot have all the fun, all the time.

;) Willie taught me that one.

One is not abused...

One is not abused with Lady Gaddafi. The man ought to do the decent thing and blow his head oodles of cash, jump onto a private yacht and sail off into the sunset never to be seen again. And good riddance, I say. One may have considered employing female bodyguards rather abusing, despite Cher and Bet Midler having prior work commitments which only left one Jason Donovan and Cilla Black with a grenade clip between their teeth, but, I must say, that hardly goes to justify sleeping in one's camel, milking the tent and wearing purple frocks, or whatever it is those foreigners do. What next I ask? Is he going to declare himself the Queen of England?

Off with his head!

No purple-frocked man - lady - deserves to be head of state, unless of course it is on one's Stirling silver platter.

One is very abused...

One is delighted to find one's future subjects already avidly speculating on their new queen's attire. I must say, I do look spiffy in that hairdo.

One is not abused...

One is not abused with this whole Middle Eastern affair. It has stolen all the TV coverage of the greatest social event of the decade: the Horniton Miniature Rottweiler Gala. One does not approve.